Are you in a band? Do you want to know how successful your band is without relying on the fawning adoration of your friends and family (and let's face it, buddy, they have to say they like you)? Well look no further, here is the one fail-proof method of determining your popularity.

No, I'm not talking about the cash receipts after a gig. Sure selling lots of merch is cool, but that's not everything. It's not how often you're booked, how many CD's you have out, or how long your mailing list is either.

I'm talking about the ceiling.

Why is the ceiling so important? It doesn't pay you. Often times it's quite ratty. And if anything, it's the first thing to ruin otherwise great shots of your band playing live. So what's so great about it?

Well, as you probably guessed, I'm not necessarily talking about the ceiling. I'm talking about its height.

Ever notice how the more popular bands perform in places with high (or no!) ceilings, while crappy punk rock bands and washed up rock stars play bowling alleys with little or zero headroom? Aha.

While there are many ceilings to measure your status by, I have broken them down into the 5 major types of ceiling you may encounter on the road to the top, or the way back to the bottom.

So here's how to tell how popular you are. And if you bump your head, you're probably here…

The Very Low Ceiling

If you find yourself playing in a bowling alley, friend's basement, or the corner dive, chances are you are in the low ceiling category.

If your band is just starting out, don't fear, you are at the bottom and there is no where to go but up. However, if you previously played higher ceilings, you should seriously consider alternative means of employment.

Giveaway that your gig is a low ceiling: Rotted acoustic tiling, the only sound system available is a boom box.

The Medium Ceiling

If the stage is at least 3 feet off the ground and the soundman isn't the bartender, you are playing a medium size ceiling. The tin above you may be rusty, but there's probably an entry-level lighting system blocking it which means people in the bar expect to hear some music.

Just starting out : you are probably earning some cash, which is always a good thing. Your chops are getting better, and you're developing a reputation. You still have a lot of work to do, though.

On your way down : you had better re-build your fan base at this point or practice getting your game up to 300.

Giveaway of the medium ceiling: drinks cost at least $4, the chicks have all their teeth.

The High Ceiling With Ornate Awning

This kind of club hosts music events on a regular basis, but isn't necessarily a watering hole when not booked. You've seen some big names play there along with the up-and-coming local groups. There is a professional sound system permanently set up and even a bit of a backstage area.

New band: Provided you are touring and making some fans outside of your hometown, you can consider yourself a 'minor' rock star. Backstage you are juggling record deals (if you don't have one already) and free beers. You also probably have more than one girlfriend at this point if you are a guy, but don't worry, we won't tell anyone.

Old band: you still have enough draw to make music your bread and butter provided you supplement it with your day job at Guitar Center.

Giveaways: balconies, real security guards, stickers or laminates to get access anywhere.

The Stadium Ceiling

If you look up and see floodlights, basketball nets, or a jumbo-tron tucked into the ceiling (and aren't in the audience) you are probably in a stadium, which means that you have officially made it! You charge a few hundred bones per ticket. Your merchandise is gay, but people buy it. You can request things in your rider your audience doesn't even have the imagination to think up. Bravo!

Giveaway: you flew to your gig in your personal jet, your rider includes things like oriental rugs and goat cheese pizza.

No Ceiling

This one is both the ultimate and the worst. If you are playing an outdoor amphitheater (and you're the one headlining) consider yourself on level with or a little below the stadium guys. You charge a lot, but you put on a 'show', nonetheless. You too, have made it.

On the other hand, if this is a local festival, block party, or carnival, you shouldn't have even wasted your time reading this, you fucking loser.

Giveaways: sound is elaborate, but still sucks.

Alternate giveaway: You are paid in stuffed animals and elephant ears.

Of course there are many gradients of ceilings in between - including the overrated Foreign Ceiling - but your band should be able to figure out it's true assessment of stardom as long as you don't leave the task up to the bass player.

As always, whether you are playing gigs on league night or chilling on the tour bus, success depends on your efforts, your talent, and fucking a lot of people.

But never underestimate the power of a good ceiling!